Our Patient of the Week is already in a Horrible Dilemma—he works at Chuck E. Cheese, or rather Chuck E. Squirrel. No wonder he keels over. Not to mention puking all over the birthday presents. Ewww. It turns out poor Jack is the guardian to his younger brother and sister—their parents died, leaving the three of them alone.
Wilson is being harassed by Tritter, aka Thermometer in Rectum Cop Guy, who’s trying to get him to testify against House. He ends up with his prescription privileges revoked, so he can’t even prescribe drugs for his patients.
House sets up a “game” based on what tests the other doctors will try to diagnose the patient. Foreman, Cameron and Chase all try their theories, with no clear results, while House claims to know what’s wrong. They end up treating Jack for Hepatitis A. Of course this won’t work because it’s only a quarter after eight and House never makes a definitive diagnosis before a quarter to nine. On cue for the commercial break, Jack breaks out in spontaneous copious bleeding.
House goes the rounds trying to get a Vicodin prescription from somebody. The entire team turns him down.
Chase goes through the Dumpster at Chuck E. Squirrel with Chuck E. Squirrel himself, looking for samples of Jack’s puke. Ewww. Foreman gets samples of spinal fluid with the non-AMA-approved assistance of Jack’s little sister, who interrogates him. Jack exhibits a new symptom—brittle bones.
Back with Jack, Foreman diagnosis syphilis, while Cameron diagnoses Eikenella (a bacterium), and Chase finds botulism. So Jack is a veritable bacteria zoo.
They clear the infections, but now Jack is having seizures, which of course they can find no explanation for. House thinks Jack might have drugs trapped in his fat cells, so they put him in a sauna to get a tox screen. He has a seizure in the sauna and they take a blood sample which proves drug-free.
Cameron refuses to give House a Vicodin prescription and gives him PMS pills, instead. Given House’s usual moodiness, this might prove to be a good idea.
Cameron, Foreman and Chase do another brain scan and find something that looks like a tumor. Then a few more. Then lots more. Just in time for the commercial break.
Countdown about ten minutes to the definitive diagnosis…
House heads to Cuddy for Vicodin, who writes him a prescription. The brain “tumors” prove to be infections from aspergilla. House determines Jack has a genetic illness. House and Wilson have a standoff over the other doctors—Wilson needs one of them to help him with prescriptions and House refuses.
House decides they need to give Jack a bunch of infections at once to find out which one gains the most ground, which then will show them what the root cause of his problems is. House administers a viral cocktail, then tells Jack it’s not exactly approved and he should keep it a secret. This was highly featured in the promo, and turned out to not be a big driver of the plot, which makes me wonder if it will surface again later, or if we’ve just been duped again by the Fox promotions department.
Jack gets sicker. Cameras zoom inside his body, which is never a good sign. Chronic granulomatous disease proves to be the final diagnosis, meaning Jack’s immune system is extremely compromised, and he’ll be continuously sick. House recommends a bone marrow transplant. Jack’s little brother Will is a match. Foreman tries to convince Jack to do the transplant, but he refuses. House and Foreman confront him, House wanting to prove Jack’s motives aren’t as altruistic as Foreman believes. House proves “right”—Jack is overwhelmed by his responsibility and feels he’s too young to be his siblings’ father.
Wilson has decided to shut down his practice because he can’t prescribe medications. He confronts House and tells him he should turn himself in and get help, then he throws House out of his office. Wilson tells House his shoulder pain is because he feels guilty, and that House has basically hung him out to dry. Once again Wilson knows House better than House knows himself, but this time House has completely failed him.
Jack decides to let his younger siblings go into foster care. Foreman gives him a pep talk, but Jack doesn’t really buy it.
Wilson is left alone on a rainy park bench. House drives by and they don’t speak. Damn. My favorite TV couple has broken up. Weh.
